I didn’t intend to take a month off from writing, but then life happened and here we are. In one of my earlier blogs I stated that I am my most honest when I write, and this is still very true. It’s probably because of this that I have avoided sitting down to type out my thoughts and reflections these past few weeks. In fact, from the first time I sat down to write this, several days have elapsed full of deep emotion. When life feels like a giant, and you like a not-yet-grown David, it can be hard to find the words to describe it all.
The truth is the last four weeks have been hard. I’ve been fluctuating somewhere between stressed and depressed with moments of laughter and delight sprinkled amongst them, and rather than trying to make sense of my emotions with words, I have preferred the comfort and escape of Netflix, red wine and my latest iPhone game addiction - Two Dots. (Anyone else?!)
Out of the top 10 major life stressors that people are likely to experience in America, moving house, job loss and financial pressures are amongst them. In the last few weeks, Phillip and I lost our beautiful home in Harlem due to circumstances outside of our control. After the craziest year any of us have experienced in our lifetimes, we find ourselves houseless again in NYC. Then, in the same week that we were packing up our home and putting everything into a storage unit, I also chose to resign from my job. This decision was made for a myriad of reasons, but suddenly being forced out of our home was the final straw for me to need to find employment that is better able to support me, and provide financial stability for my family.
Both scenarios are nuanced and simple all at the same time, but experiencing them simultaneously in the wake of 2020 was not something I was ready for. Like many others, I came out of last year limping. My heart had been punctured and I was letting out precious blood flow with each step I took. I was desperate for a reprieve, and rather than finding that in the places where I had previously invested so much trust, I found nothing but empty platitudes and ‘I’m sorry dear’ smiles.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?”
YES!
“Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)
This is where I’m at once again, learning the unforced rhythms of grace. I don’t think I’ve felt this lost and broken in a long time - maybe ever. It’s a somewhat foreign feeling as I find myself wounded by those who would deny ever even holding the knife. I imagine my insides to look like marbled chocolate, a swirl of anger blended in with stress, mixed with thankfulness and stirred together with hurt, all the while sprinkled with laughter. I think maybe life always looks like marbled chocolate - a wild concoction of differing emotions, experiences, thoughts and perspectives.
I also fully recognize my own choices as I’ve wrestled to process and respond in the right way to each situation. I have given in to the easy way out with a glass of wine one too many times, and taken my disappointment to bed like a blanket. My internal justice meter has kept a fiery anger burning that I know more forgiveness will quench. Daily I dance with decisions of ‘what I think I should do’, ‘what’s expected of me’, and ‘what I actually have the capacity for.’
All of the dancing, juggling, processing and wrestling has left me tired though, so so tired. Which is why most days as of late I have chosen the wine and the Netflix. I have picked the easy way out, because my trust has been broken, I’m hurting, and I just want someone else to please fix what has become so broken.
Told you I’d be honest.
