My husband loves Barnes and Noble. In fact it was in the Columbus Circle location twelve years ago, on New Years Day, that he first asked me to be his girlfriend. For Phillip, it is like a large treasure trove which he can get lost and found in; a cavern of memories and a safe haven in a bustling city. When life is full, there are a handful of stores that he will be sure to visit for some comfort - the Container Store, Home Goods and Barnes and Noble. Today was a B&N kind of day.
When he returned home full of cuddles and kisses for Freedom and I, he pulled out a little gift for me that could not have been more perfectly timed. A bookmark with the R.S Grey quote, ‘She believed she could so she did’ inscribed into the teal leather.
One of my recent, silent struggles has been that of purpose.
Two weeks ago I crumpled to the floor of our kitchen whilst the baby slept and Phillip was out, and cried. Everything suddenly felt uncertain, overwhelming, and I was unqualified for it all. When playing to my strengths, I am naturally a strategist, so when the unexpected comes along I am able to go into emergency response mode and find us a route out. However, our most recent unforeseen situation has left us holding nothing but the short straw.
When you find yourself suddenly vulnerable, it can easily throw everything else into question. Oftentimes for me, the first person I point the finger at is myself. “What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? How can I make this better? What can I do to fix this? If only I could rewind time and do it all again…”
Once the door to self-doubt has been opened, every area of life suddenly becomes subject to its probings. I found myself looking back over the last handful of years and questioning every decision I had made. “Was I a fool?! What had I been doing?!” The onslaught of questions and replaying of old scenes from memory has kept me awake at night as I’ve feverishly tried to problem solve our way backwards, anything to avoid where we now found ourselves. Ultimately though this circling of thoughts came to a halt as the demands of the present grabbed me by the shoulders, requiring that new decisions be made and steps taken.
Recently, I have not believed that I could.
That is different from believing that things will work out. I know that they will eventually, they always do, but I have not had the unshakeable belief in myself that I once did. I used to be so confident in the big visions that I carried, convinced that I would see them come to pass and change the world. After the past eighteen months, I would not proclaim that so boldly.
My bookmark reminder today arrived right on time.
Purpose is not garnered as a result of our circumstance; it is poured into the core of our very being at the moment of conception. Discovering its exact make-up can take a lifetime, but it can not be robbed from us by another’s choice or life’s events. If either of those have been unkind, then the strength to try again can be found in a simple act of encouragement; a reminder that we can.
Maybe, you too, have found yourself recently crumpled on the floor wondering what you’re doing with your life and questioning the wisdom of decisions you have made. Maybe you’re wrestling with your purpose, or trying to figure out what’s next. Maybe your circumstances have left you feeling overwhelmed and tempted to give up on hope. Maybe you’ve simply forgotten that you can.
Can I remind you that there is no one on this planet who is like you, created with the unique blend of gifts, abilities, ideas and personality that you have. I would love to pour some courage back into your heart as you read these words that it’s going to be okay. As wild and overwhelming, large and looming as this world and its problems might be right now, it will - somehow and in some form - get better. Even if you feel like all you have is an ounce of belief to see things change, it is enough. You are not alone, and we need you.
So please, take a deep breath, shake off the stress and anxiety, throw away the swirling questions, and stand up. Go look in the mirror and say to that beautiful reflection looking back at you, “I believe that I can and I will!”
