It’s been roughly six months since I last sat down here to write. Depending on your perspective of time, that equals both, ‘not long at all' and also, ‘how has it been so long?’ Short enough to be overlooked, and long enough to cost you everything.
I lost friendships I did not choose to abandon. I turned away from relationships that were toxic to me. I changed rhythms that I had never known life without. I curled into pillows and sobbed on numerous occasions. I felt my heart threatening to run away from me as anxiety pounded within my chest. I lost sight of hope and asked more questions than I was given answers. I grieved, and angered, and swirled close to despair. I encountered hurt, loss and betrayal beyond that which I had conceived possible to walk through in one time. I carried a life and then watched it wash away. I fought for so much, and it felt like I lost.
2021 cost me greatly, and it also taught me a lot.
It reminded me that we are never alone. It showed me the depth of gold which exists in those who choose to stick with you when you aren’t a bright, shiny unicorn. It crafted a new layer of resilience within my soul. It reminded me of the beauty of simplicity. It revealed the dangers of the shallow waters, and the emptiness of the platform. It stripped away much of what I once held dear, and left me cradling the bones of what is actually worth living for. It broke me, but did not leave me destroyed. It showed me gentleness and kindness in the midst of thunderous debate and confusion. It took me to the edge, and yet I did not fall.
There are some seasons I can look back on and have a desire to repeat. This present version of me looks back at my younger self, and with the luxury of hindsight, wishes I had drunk deeper of certain relationships or experiences, made different choices, said ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. It’s not regret, but more like an, ‘if only I’d known…’ This does not apply to the past year. I have no desire to walk backwards simply to have to walk forward through it all again. I don’t think my steps were perfect, I’m sure I faltered, but I’m just grateful to have made it through.
One question that has continued to reverberate through my mind however is, ‘what did I do?’ I can’t help but wonder and ask the heavens if there is something that I did wrong which caused all these calamities to head my way this year. I’ve found myself landing with two responses, both a ‘no’ and a ‘yes.’
If I break down each momentous thing that happened this year, I can identify that my behavior wasn’t the catalyst for the losses which occurred. I know I am not perfect, but I also don’t believe I’m being punished by God for some obscure reason. As I reflect on it all once again though, I am reminded of the importance of character which is built by every decision we make, large and small, in private and in public. Character isn’t just about having the correct behaviors, it is about having the right posture. Maintaining gratitude in the face of hardship, humility when confronted, extending gentleness instead of anger, keeping integrity in all that we do and say. As I look back at this year, I haven’t hit the mark on all of these things every time. I think maybe I’m walking away with a passing grade, but there have been many days where the weight of sorrow has kept me from saying, ‘thank you,’ where anger has prevented me from seeing someone’s goodness, where pain has led my thoughts and words to collide in unkindness. Honestly, at times it has been easier to believe the worst about some people than to invest in their best.
This is a sobering realisation as I sit here on the first day of another year. As much as some things have been done to me, I do not want to move into the new year a victim to the dashed hopes of the last one. I want to sow into 2022 the seed of renewed hope, of deep joy and eternal gratitude, kindness, goodness and gentleness, love for those around me, even those who have caused me hurt, and peace buried deep in my heart and soul.
