“Joy, you have a choice!” My friend’s words rung in my ears through the phone receiver, and their impact caused my eyes to smart with tears.
Have you ever had one of those moments where someone states what’s blatantly obvious and it lands like it’s a revelation from heaven? It’s as if sometimes we just need someone to hit us around the face with the truth before we will actually receive it for ourselves. This weekend phone call was one of those for me.
Sat on the bed at home, I listened as my friend rallied me to remembrance. She poured value back into me after I confessed how a situation had left me feeling worthless. She exhorted my heart, reaffirmed my place in the room, and in doing so empowered my voice. Her words resonated deep within me, and as I took them in, I realized how hungry I had been to hear them.
I’m one of those ‘deep-end-of-the-swimming-pool’ type folks. I love to go in with people, and once I’m there I’m fiercely loyal. For the most part, this trait has served me well as long as I’ve been operating from a place of health. However the moment my loyalty becomes blind and mute, is the moment abuse can go unchecked in the relationship. In layman’s terms, ‘abuse’ is when something or someone is misused. Just think for a second how easy it is to use something for a task it was not created for. Now apply that same thought to your relationships: how often have we misused someone for our own gain? And also, how often have we been misused for someone else’s profit?
“We fail the people in our world when we choose silence, never opting to raise a fuss. We play what we believe to be our role in the kingdom. In reality, we empower a broken empire.”
- Tiffany Bluhm; Prey Tell
Tiffany Bluhm hits the nail on the head in her book, Prey Tell, when she unpacks the difference between loyalty and faithfulness, and yet how often do we speak of them interchangeably? Misused loyalty can keep us in a relationship, environment, position or job well beyond the parameters set for health. We have a choice. Slim though it may be, it is still present.
choice [ chois ]
noun
an act or instance of choosing; selection:
the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option:
the person or thing chosen or eligible to be chosen:
an alternative:
There can be circumstances where the privilege of choosing has been removed from our artillery whether that’s due to a lack of financial freedom, a set of rules enforced by the law, an absence of opportunity etc., but for the most part when it comes to our relationships, the freedom and ability to choose lies in our hands. Even when someone makes a choice that negatively impacts us, we do not have to be a victim of that. We can choose a response that is centered in peace and justice.
As I have mulled over all these things the last few days, I have grasped again at the options I do have. Sometimes our choices are so simple we don’t even have to think about them. They hold no real significant consequence, but are simply the threads which make up the tapestry of our day-to-day comings, goings and interactions. Then there are times where the choice before us actually requires us to “be our own advocate”, as my friend exhorted me the other day. So how do we ensure that we make the right choice without causing a misuse of relationship in the process? Here’s a little checklist of questions to think and ask if you find yourself at a similar crossroads:
What will I gain by choosing this?
What scares me the most about making this decision?
Are those fears valid, or am I projecting outcomes on myself and others simply to prevent myself from acting?
If the fears are valid, what action plan can I put in place to ensure my safety - mentally, emotionally and physically?
Who will be impacted by this choice?
How do I ensure that they will be honored and respected in the process?
What does it look like to maintain personal integrity as I walk this decision out?
What is my timeline in taking action, and who can I share this with to keep myself accountable?
“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Advocating for yourself isn’t always easy, especially when your instinct to be loyal is in full swing, but the projected outcome is worth taking those few steps forward, and the consequences of refusing to do so will only be detrimental to you.
