I don’t have something obvious to sit down and write about this week, but my commitment to this rhythm of writing is keeping me accountable. As I opened my laptop and clicked to a fresh page, I decided to tell the truth.
Today has ended in questions for me…
What is my purpose in this season?
There is so much injustice taking place in our world, with fresh stories and systems being exposed on a daily basis, how do I know where to focus my attention and energy? How do I not become paralyzed and overwhelmed? How do I maintain integrity in not just my desires for justice, but in seeing them walked out?
What am I so passionate about that my zeal will outlive the news cycles, and popular posting trends? What am I not ashamed to be known for being for?
What does staying connected in faith look like in the midst of so many questions? Where is God when you can’t hear his voice?
I don’t have the answers yet, so tonight you find me sat with the wrestle. Welcome to my ‘Penuel’, my place of facing God.
Like any tug of war with something larger than yourself, there comes uncomfortability, even pain. At times recognizing that you might lose, before determining to keep pushing on regardless of how much it hurts. Losing is not an option. And so you continue, unrelenting in your wrestle, and as the dawn creeps into the horizon of your night, you walk towards it with a new limp. Victorious but changed. Your gait forever marked, your footprints no longer the same.
I find myself in the thick of this space right now. I was going to call it ‘dark’, but I also recognize a softness here. There is vulnerability in the midst of contending, and it is in that spot that beauty grows. Dreams, clarity, revelation, repentance, reconciliation, connection, hope - their form can be found as seeds in the heart of a wrestling being. They are seeds that I see in me.
The questions continue to swirl in my mind as I wind down from the end of a full day.
What do I need to do? Am I in the right place? What is the best thing for our family? What does the future look like for us as we try to rebuild from pandemic life? What? How? Who? Where? When? …..
Today is not the day for all the answers, it is the moment to contend. It is the time to ask, and seek, to dig deep and weigh it all, to lean in, to listen and learn, to be ok with the mystery of how it will all unfold.
Welcome to my ‘Penuel’, my place of struggle and grappling, my season of seeking out the honest answers to my honest questions. I hope you find the softness in whichever season you might find yourself in, whether it’s with me in the tussle, or striding along with the richness of clarity as your vision. There are seeds of vulnerability in both, and it is here that I think we bear the richest of fruit.
