Will you sit with me?
I know I’m not that fun to be with right now. I know my silence feels too big to handle, and it might leave you feeling awkward, but will you stay a little longer? I don’t want to be alone. Your presence is so comforting and it eases the pace to which memories and emotions are crashing through my brain.
I’m having a day of ‘I miss you’s’.
I miss my babies that were never born. I miss being a mother before I even got to really be one. I miss the fulfillment of my promises. I miss watching my husband be a dad. I miss baby cuddles and family days out. I miss birthdays and holidays full of children’s giggles.
I miss the intimacy of friendship, of calling up a girlfriend just to chat or hang out. I miss the nearness of people that I’ve done life with, that I share a long history with. I miss feeling known. I miss my home.
I miss the simplicity of childhood and having the biggest concern be whether or not your crush liked you in return. I miss not paying bills and having the security of parents who always made sure everything was ok.
I miss dreaming wild and crazy dreams, because nothing used to be impossible, but now realism seems to have found its way into my psyche and shrunk my ability to ‘go big.’ I miss being where I thought I’d be.
I promise I won’t stay here forever, or even for that long, but I just need this moment to acknowledge those that are absent; the season that I’m not in; the life that isn’t mine - yet. I’ve never been very good at hiding how I feel. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so before I carry walking on I just need this moment to sit and be.
Will you stay with me?
I hope you don’t write me off because of this moment; I hope this doesn’t disqualify me. I hope my emotions aren’t too much for you. I hope you won’t roll your eyes at my heart, or try to placate me with a nice cliché. I know my life is wonderful. I know I am beyond blessed. I know the promises will be fulfilled, and I do know how to push past doubt and reach for the impossible. I do know that I am loved, surrounded and far from alone. I do know that life is good, but right now I am just feeling all the feels and I would love not to feel them alone.
I don’t want to rush past this moment, bury my emotions, plaster on a smile, and post my best ‘Insta-ready’ self in order to summon up the world’s approval. I want to be real and honest and say that today I cried; today I missed my family and the city I grew up in; today I’ve felt the weight of disappointment as I remembered who isn’t here and what isn’t happening; today I’ve felt a little bit further away from where I wanted to be - but that’s ok.
It’s okay to have one of ‘those’ days, to feel your heart ache for more, to long for those you love and adore, to wish things might have turned out a little bit differently by now. It’s okay to not have all the answers or the ‘happily ever after’ yet. It’s okay to take a second to grieve and acknowledge how your heart is feeling.
So, thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for hearing my heart and not turning a blind eye to my tears. Thank you for staying when it was easier to walk away, and thank you for not silencing all that I needed to say. My heart feels a little lighter, hope that bit nearer and truth that bit closer, for there’s power in sitting down as much as there is strength in choosing to stand.
