“Grief is the heart’s response to any deep loss.”
- Paula D’arcy
My heart resonated with these words as I read them and my mind immediately went to the pandemic that has swept our planet in recent months. To date, 163,134 people have been recorded as passing away worldwide and most countries are currently operating in quarantine lockdown, with social distancing becoming the newest phrase to add to our vocabulary.
Every evening at 7pm, New York City resounds with applause, car horns, the clattering of pots and pans and the whoops and cheers of its occupants, as the city unifies to thank and celebrate its courageous healthcare workers. From behind our closed windows and doors, loneliness and fear are shrugged off and for a minute each day we are all free again.
None of us have experienced anything like this before, and as we tread out into the waters of the unknown each day, our hearts are learning how to process the grief of so much loss. Our everyday routines have been turned upside down and the activities that we took for granted just a couple of months ago, now seem like such a far away possibility. Never before have we felt so starved of connection or hungry for what used to be normal.
The longer this goes on for, the more aware I become that we are all experiencing loss of some kind, and whether or not we realize it, our hearts are beginning to try and process that grief. Whether we are a healthcare worker and daily having to face the effects of the virus on the human body; the loved one of someone who has passed, or the interceding relative of those who are sick; the extrovert quarantined on their own with sudden limited ways to connect with others, or the introvert who is now having to home school their kids, work from home, and try and figure out having alone time; or the artist, server or retailer who has suddenly lost their employment and income, all of us are affected and losing something. Rather than ignoring this pain or trying to numb it with Netflix, I felt the importance of leaning into it this week, for when we acknowledge what is hurting we are able to begin healing.
It is commonly understood that there are seven stages to grief:
Shock - initial disbelief at the bad news
Denial - trying to avoid coming to terms with the loss
Anger - the result of bottling up emotions and can be poured out on self or others
Bargaining - trying to reason with yourself that by doing things differently you could’ve changed things
Depression - sadness associated with the realisation of the loss
Testing - seeking a new passion or challenge
Acceptance - finding a meaningful way forward
As I looked over these again, I could identify with feeling all seven of them over the past six weeks of quarantine. I think I’ve even double-backed on a couple from time to time too. In fact, over the past few days I seem to have been stuck in a revolving door of anger, and have had to continuously give myself the space to release it and understand where it is coming from. Not only could I see my personal grief journey, but it also opened my eyes to our communal one too. It’s possible to grieve individually as well as corporately, as a nation and even across the globe, and it’s much deeper than simply missing someone or something.
So what do you do with grief once you’ve acknowledged that it’s there?
Give yourself permission to feel and process each stage. There’s nothing wrong with you, and if you’re supporting someone, your friend. The heart may be a little broken but it is not beyond healing. Choosing to walk through grief is an expression and exercise of love, both towards yourself and your community.
Consider starting a journal. Emotions are a funny thing and oftentimes we can feel the world without fully understanding why or what is at the root of it all. Writing down all that is swirling within can reveal more of what’s going on beyond the surface.
Invite a couple of trusted friends into the process with you. There is such healing that is found when we allow community into our most vulnerable times and places. We gain strength from the presence of others, and there is some truth to the phrase, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’
Give the gift of time. If you are someone who is in a more supporting role of someone else, think about how you can give your time to bless them. Obviously in our current quarantine situation this may be limited to a phone or Zoom call, but knowing that you have taken the time to pursue them and make space for their heart communicates a lot.
Share your story. There is great power in sharing our stories. It has the ability to be a cathartic experience for the one sharing, enabling us to accept and come to terms with events that are hard or painful, but it also allows our friends to be a witness to our lives and encourages them to own their stories in return.
Pray. It’s easy to find ourselves feeling helpless in this current scenario of a worldwide pandemic where the death toll is rising daily. We are left with questions of, “What if?” and “Where is God?” But we don’t have to be trapped by this, in fact we can bring our wrestling to God. Through prayer we are able to find comfort as well as understanding.
‘Here’s what I’ve learnt through it all:
Don’t give up; don’t be impatient;
be entwined as one with the Lord.
Be brave and courageous, and never lose hope.
Yes, keep on waiting - for he will never disappoint you!’
Psalm 27:14 (TPT)
There is way more that could be said or shared on this topic so maybe I’ll write more on this as I journey through it myself, but for now please know that you are not alone. It’s ok not to be ok. If you need to take some space today, take it. Reach out to someone in your community and ask how they are. Check in with your own heart and see what it needs.
‘If we carry our storms
like actors pretending to be brave,
each swallowed tear will fill our hearts
like a bag of stones.’
- Alison Asher
If you recognise symptoms of grief manifesting in you, don’t shut them down but give yourself the space you need to process them. Your heart will thank you later.
