I used to hate men. I remember being in work several years ago and one of my regular customers coming up to the bar and asking me out on a date. Instead of feeling flattered or flutters of attraction being stirred within me, I found myself reacting with outrage. ‘How dare he assume that just because I work behind a bar and am paid to smile and serve that I am therefore available and in need of a man?! I don’t need, and neither do I want, a man!’I think I may have vocalized this annoyance to a colleague, much to their amusement, at the time. It wasn’t a normal reaction to have and it wasn’t a healthy one. Needless to say I refused the offer of a date and maintained my stony distance from the opposite gender.A couple of months prior to this work conversation, my virginity was taken from me when I was raped at the end of a night out. The following week I was sexually assaulted in a club. Within the space of two weeks I went from feeling like I had a life of purpose and beauty to feeling like I was worth less than the rubbish in my bin. I had nothing left to offer, and in my mind, it was all because of men. So to protect myself I allowed bitterness and hate to foster itself in my heart.Men had proven to me to be untrustworthy, dishonoring and selfish, viewing women as merely objects to meet their needs, and I had resolved to shut my heart to them. I made a conscious decision at that time to blame men for all of my problems and the pain I was experiencing. I wrote off the whole gender because of the actions of a few. Don’t we all too easily do the same thing? An individual hurts us and a multitude of people take the blame - the church, men, women, an ethnic group, the police or government. It’s easier to be angry and defensive than feel the rawness of vulnerability.Seven years on and I definitely don’t hate men any more. I married one. I run a non-profit with men on my team. I co-lead with men in my church and workplace. I love men and I value their role and presence in my life. So what changed? How did I go from refusing the invitation to a date to then agreeing to spend the rest of my life with someone of the opposite gender?I chose to forgive. I had been holding all men accountable to a debt that was owed to me but the power of forgiveness comes when we choose to cancel out that debt. I didn’t suddenly change my story and start saying that what had happened to me was okay and it didn’t matter anymore, but I did stop living forever controlled by those experiences. By choosing to forgive, I was allowing my life to move forward again, I was relinquishing control of my past and reopening my heart to receive.I love this video from Soul Pancake which gives a little insight into the power of forgiveness and how it can take us from bitterness to happiness.Maybe you’ve found yourself in a cycle of friendships or relationships that keep breaking down and you’re not sure why. Maybe you can identify an individual or experience that caused you a lot of deep pain and, as of yet, you haven't been able to fully move forward. Maybe you’ve been harboring anger in your heart and it’s been preventing you from really giving and receiving what your heart was crafted for: love.My heart wants to challenge and encourage yours with the deepest love and sensitivity that now is the time to be brave, confront your past, forgive those who caused you trauma and embrace the fullness of your future.
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
